


time

by aislingdoheanta



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, He still doesn't deserve this, M/M, My boy is sad and self destructing, Robert Sugden in Prison, Robert doesn't believe he deserves anything, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-01-29 14:10:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21411466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aislingdoheanta/pseuds/aislingdoheanta
Summary: Robert struggles with his life in prison and the decision he made. But it had to go down this way, didn't it? He always ruins everything he touches.Sort-of canon-compliant fic for Robert’s prison storyline.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 5
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I love Robert and I don't like that we've gotten none of his POV throughout his last few weeks on the show. So I'm gonna write it. 
> 
> Find me on [tumblr. ](https://saras-almanac.tumblr.com/)

It took only one hour alone in that first prison cell after his sentencing for the voice—the one that sounded just like his father and Andy—to start whispering in his ear.

_You’re not worth the hassle. You honestly think that Aaron would stay with you while you’re locked up for fourteen years?_

_You never deserved him._

_You ruin everything you touch._

_It was only a matter of time before Aaron saw that and went running for the hills_.

It took only a few minutes to wear him down.

The panic that he was condemning Aaron right alongside him hurt worse than the sentencing. Eventually Aaron would get tired of visiting and then where would Robert be? He’d have no one, nothing.

It took five minutes after being told he was being transferred for Robert to know that this visit had to be the last with Aaron.

It would be better for both of them to have a clean break now instead of dragging it out for the slow, painful, bitter death that was inevitable. Aaron would visit, he would shell out the cash and time, but when would he hit his breaking point?

_He’ll be miserable for years, but you know he’d just end up bottling it_.

Aaron needed to focus on himself and take care of himself. He wasn’t going to be able to do that if he was too busy focused on Robert.

It took three minutes into their conversation for Robert to decide that it’d be better if he didn’t tell Aaron.

Robert had wanted to tell Aaron. He _meant_ to. But then Aaron had looked awful and Robert could tell he wasn’t coping, and then he said that seeing Robert was the only thing he’d been looking forward to and Robert couldn’t do it. He couldn’t shatter this one moment like he’d shattered everything else.

_Just like the coward you are. Can’t face up to anything, can ya?_

So he’d told Aaron that they could get through anything. But he knew that this might be something that even they wouldn’t be able to get through.

It took two minutes for Robert to put in his order for no visitors or phone communication.

A clean break would be easier.

_You ruin everything you touch_.

It was better this way for everyone. They wouldn’t have to feel obligated to visit him and he wouldn’t have to live with the dread, knowing that one day the visits would stop. Everyone would have their own lives and eventually they’ll forget about him—they had before and they will do again. They could all be happier this way. 

_You should have stayed gone._

He’d destroyed their lives so much already. Setting them free was the least he could do.

It took Robert the entire journey from Hotten to the Isle of Man to cement his decision. Sitting in the back of a van, hands cuffed together and to the bars in the van, he knew that he couldn’t do the same thing to Aaron. He _wouldn’t_ do the same thing Aaron. 

He knew he never deserved Aaron, not really—Aaron was too good-hearted to truly love and want to be chained to someone like Robert while he spent the next fourteen years in prison. He said he did now, he said that they’d make it work, that seeing Robert a little was better than not seeing him at all.

But Robert knew that wasn’t true. It _couldn’t_ be true. Robert wasn’t anything special, as much as he liked to pretend he was otherwise.

Aaron just didn’t realize that he had so many other options out there because they lived in a small village. He’d go out and then he’d realize that Robert was a terrible person and that it never would have worked. Aaron would eventually see that Robert was just a burden that he had to keep talking to because he’d feel like he’d have to.

_You’ve always been nothing but a burden to those you claim to love._

Knowing he was a burden was one thing, but having Aaron resent him for that or treat him like a burden was something Robert wouldn’t be able to stand.

It took Robert one sleepless night in his new prison cell to self-destruct.

He’d gone back and forth on his decision multiple times. One minute he was ready to tear the door from the wall to get to the phone to beg Aaron not to give up on him, to promise that he’ll always visit and won’t abandon him. The next he was imaging Aaron married to a new bloke, with three kids who all looked just like Aaron, and he could barely even remember Robert’s name.

_You might be making him hurt himself again_.

That thought settled in his stomach like a stone and Robert could barely breathe around it.

It had taken only a five-minute conversation with his solicitor before Robert convinced him to start divorce proceedings.

Robert’s heart hurt with every breath, his every thought was of Aaron and how heartbroken he was, how much he would hate Robert.

Robert knew that Aaron, stubborn, beautiful Aaron wouldn’t give up without a fight. So Robert had to make sure the fight was out of him. If he pulled the rug out from under him, maybe he’d be so focused on hating Robert that he’d not turn it on himself.

_Can you do anything but hurt the people you love?_

All Robert’s ever wanted to do was love Aaron and be loved by him. He wanted to take care of him and put him first, and he had to do that now. Aaron would be furious with him, but Robert had to do what was best for Aaron in the long run, even if it destroyed them both. He had to believe that at some point down the line, that Aaron might understand at least a little bit, even if he still hated Robert.

Aaron was stronger than Robert—he always had been. He’d get over Robert and he’d live a full life, maybe find another man to love him the way that he deserves to be loved—better than Robert had. And Aaron would be happy.

That’s all Robert wanted at the end of the day. It had taken him nearly five years but he finally understood that it wasn’t Aaron that didn’t want to be happy; it was that he couldn’t truly be happy with Robert weighing him down. This was Aaron’s best chance at it.

_The only thing you’re good at is leaving a mess behind._

It had taken no time at all to break his own heart, shatter Aaron’s, and destroy their marriage. All he’d had to do was pick up a shovel.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron struggles to come to terms with Robert's decision, but he understands eventually. 
> 
> Sort-of canon-compliant fic for Robert’s prison storyline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked for a chapter from Aaron's POV and it got me thinking and this came out. I've really enjoyed this weird format I used for these two chapters so that was fun. 
> 
> Find me on [tumblr.](https://saras-almanac.tumblr.com/)

It took about three minutes for Aaron’s heart to break. Just long enough to read the letter from Robert’s solicitor and walk over to the mantel and see their wedding photo.

It took less than two seconds to smash it.

It took one hour for Aaron to shove all Robert’s clothes in bins and bags, trying to erase him from their home—as if it was that simple.

It took one conversation with Victoria for Aaron’s heartbreak to freeze over into anger. It was better, easier this way. _Robert_ did this to him. _Robert_ left him, abandoned him, just like everyone else had. _Robert_ who had held his hands last year and swore that they’d be together forever, that nothing was going to break them up.

_Robert_ had broken Aaron’s heart and cut him out as if they hadn’t spent five years together, as if they—_Aaron_ meant nothing to him.

That anger fueled Aaron for weeks, just trying to force himself to feel something that wasn’t the devastating heartbreak that lingered, lurked behind the anger. He thought if he could get angry enough, he could burn the heartbreak and grief away, but deep down he knew it didn’t work like that.

But it did work for a while.

The people around him didn’t notice his shattered heart or how hollow he’d become.

_You’re better off without the likes of Robert. _

_If he cared about you at all, he’d still be here with you. _

_He’s always been a selfish prick, Aaron. You’re just finally seeing it now. _

_He might not even get out in 14 years. Might be longer than that._

_Robert’s made his choices and has to live with that. _

_You’ve got to live your own life, Aaron. _

_You don’t need Robert, you never did. You’ve got us, your family. _

_It’s good you’ve accepted things so you can move on. _

They thought they were helping and maybe they were for a while, but eventually the exhaustion extinguished the flames of anger and Aaron couldn’t fight anymore.

But the anger just gave way to utter numbness. No one understood what he has—_had_ with Robert, so they couldn’t get why he was so devastated. This wasn’t first love shit or something that Aaron would just “get over” eventually. Over the years, Aaron had carved Robert right into his soul and there wasn’t any way for him to get rid of Robert, even if he wanted to.

Robert had left and taken a massive part of Aaron’s heart with him.

The whispers and comments continued, but Aaron just nodded them away. He didn’t want to fight, didn’t want to agree. He just wanted to go to work and then come home. He was just existing.

It took one overheard conversation between Nicola and Jimmy for Aaron to break.

“I can’t help but think of him there all alone,” Jimmy said quietly. “What if something’s happened to him?”

“We’ll keep trying to get him to respond,” Nicola said. “I’ll wear Robert down eventually.”

It had been nearly a year since Robert cut off contact and the thought of Nicola and Jimmy still trying to reach Robert when he’d given up cut him to the core. How could he claim that Robert had given up on them when Aaron hadn’t even tried to fight back? What kind of husband did that make him?

It took an hour to frantically haul all Robert’s things back down from the loft—he’d never been able to throw them away, not properly even when he was furious. He set the bags in his room and started searching through them.

It took fifteen minutes for Aaron to hang Robert’s leather jacket back up and hang his dressing gown on the back of the door to their bathroom. It’s where Robert always put it.

It took three hours for the tears to dry as Aaron clutched a jumped of Robert’s to his face and whispered the apologies he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to say to Robert.

He knew Robert better than anyone, how much he didn’t believe he was worth things. Of course Robert would think he wasn’t worth Aaron waiting around for, no matter how much Aaron would have fought him on it. He did the only thing he thought he could, knowing it would destroy Aaron, make him furious. But that had been the point, hadn’t it? He’d wanted Aaron to be angry, too angry to miss him… or worse.

His stupid husband was so quick to sacrifice himself for Aaron’s sake, always. He’d kept up with Aaron when Liv arrived even though she hated him and tried to get him arrested. He moved in with Aaron even though Chas hated him still. He tried to ask Aaron to marry him even though Paddy didn’t approve and most of Aaron’s family didn’t. He got Aaron out of prison early, spending loads of cash, just so Aaron wouldn’t be stuck there for too long.

Robert would do anything for him, even this. Wasn’t it like what Aaron tried to do when he was inside? Piss Robert off enough that he’d stop coming to visit, that Aaron could destroy them before the prison visits did? They’re weren’t the same, but they were near enough.

Robert loved him, _really_ loved him. That wasn’t a lie, it wasn’t faked. He wasn’t being selfish in filing for divorce or cutting him out like everyone else said. Aaron had thought so as well for a while.

This was Robert trying to let Aaron go in the most concrete way possible because Robert didn’t think he was worth this trouble for him. He was trying to allow Aaron the opportunity to have a family and have the life he wanted. As if Aaron wanted any of that without Robert.

It took him two minutes to find a chain and string their wedding bands on it. The divorce papers still sat, unsigned, in the same drawer. He didn’t sign them out of spite initially. He claimed that if Robert wanted to divorce him so badly, he’d have to call and tell him that.

Robert might not talk to him until he’s out and Aaron had to accept that. It wasn’t just about him and what he needed; it was also about what Robert needed. And if he needed to let Aaron go and believe that he was setting him free, then Aaron would let him. For now at least.

It took a week for Aaron to integrate a few more of Robert’s things back into their room. He couldn’t forget Robert—and didn’t want to. His husband did what he did because he loved Aaron too much to chain him down for 14 years in a mostly absent marriage. He understood, even if he didn’t like it. And when Robert got out in 5, 10, 14 years, Aaron was going to tell him exactly how furious he was with him. And then bring him home.


End file.
